


An Unexpected Shag

by sketchnurse



Category: Casanova (UK), Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Awesome Donna Noble, Awkward Conversations, Crossover, Dialogue-Only, Dopplegangers, F/M, Gen, Male-Female Friendship, Shagging, That Chicken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-05
Updated: 2014-11-05
Packaged: 2018-02-24 04:36:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2568401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sketchnurse/pseuds/sketchnurse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Doctor and Donna visit Venice. Donna gets to know Casanova uncomfortably well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Unexpected Shag

 

 

“Well, I don’t hear you complaining about me getting him out of your way!”

 

“You _shagged_ him.”

 

“Yeah? Am I not allowed to get a leg over? If you think he’s the only bloke I’ve pulled running half-blind around the universe you’re in for a real surprise…”

 

“You—what? Never mind, I don’t want to know. But, but you’re always on about me being bony and things! I thought I was a skinny streak of nothing?”

 

“And you’re you, Spaceman, and he was bleeding Casanova! If word got out that I met Casanova and didn’t have a piece of that I’d never hear the end of it. I was right though; nearly bruised myself on those hipbones, and I bet you’re even skinnier.”

 

“Who exactly would word get out _to_?”

 

“Well, I dunno! Haven’t exactly drawn up an itinerary, have you?”

 

“Oh, don’t go ragging on me, Miss I’ll Boff A Bloke Who Looks Exactly Like My Best Mate Just Because He Offers. Blimey, when I pick humans, I _really_ pick humans…”

 

“Oi! Shouldn’t you be flattered that someone was willing to shag your pointy self?”

 

“There are plenty of people willing to shag me! Scads! Entire planets!”

 

“Yeah? And when was the last time you took one of them up on their offer?”

 

“…”

 

“When was the last time you _had_ an offer?”

 

“…”

 

“Face it, takes a lot more than a fancy Time Lord machine and fake specs to get someone to shag a man who’s all skin and bones, and he had it in _spades_.”

 

“My brainy specs are not fake! They help me see!”

 

“I’ll fall for that one when I start falling for the other bollocks you talk.”

 

“Wasn’t it weird, though? I mean, you’re in the middle of… you know, and suddenly you see my face? Ooh, I wonder if he—”

 

“If he _what?_ ”

 

“Not important. Doesn’t bear thinking about. Oh, Donna, you’ve got me thinking about—no, no, no… This is terrible. You shagged him!”

 

“Oh, and I don’t suppose you’ve ever shagged a friend’s brother before?”

 

“…”

 

“Oh, God, you have, haven’t you.”

 

“I’m thinking. Got a lot of history to go through.”

 

“Right. Call me when you’re done reviewing all your escapades—just how many have you had? Doesn’t take me five minutes to go through everyone I’ve ever. What were you, some kind of intergalactic slag? Touchy about your dry spell?”

 

“Donna, I’m over 900 years old. I’ve got a lot to think about— and I am _not_ in a dry spell! Hmm, no, no, I think I managed—well, he wasn’t his brother, but come to think of it, they did look exactly the same… but I actually fancied him, so that is _completely_ different. Not even remotely the same thing.”

 

“What, just ‘cause I’d rather hop in bed with Jack Nicholson than have to deal with your elbows?”

 

“Jack Nicholson? Why’re you thinking about hopping in bed with _Jack Nicholson_?”

 

“It’s _called_ an _example_. And he may be getting on but at least he’s not as pointy as a pencil factory.”

 

“So, just to be clear, you are not attracted to me in any way, but you had no problem shagging my doppelganger?”

 

“What part of ‘He was _Casanova_ ’ don’t you understand?”

 

“The part where you can shag him and not me?”

 

“Oh, you had _better_ not be jealous, Spaceman, or I can tell you where you’re taking me next, and it starts with ‘Ch’ and ends with ‘Ick’.”

 

“No. _No._ If it were possible for me to be less jealous, I— Okay, I’m a little jealous, but not because I want—No! You’re my best mate, Donna, and I do not want… _that._ ”

 

“…”

 

“Donna?”

 

“You don’t want to shag me?”

 

“You knew that!”

 

“Well you don’t have to be so emphatic about it! A girl will start to think it’s a little less about you being a sexless spaceman and a little more about her being unshaggable.”

 

“You just shagged Casanova!”

 

“He shags everyone! And for good reason, I might add.”

 

“Oh, _thank you,_ for the lovely thoughts that go along with that sentence.”

 

“If he didn’t only go for women, I’d recommend it. I’d recommend trying anyway. Two words: _four times_.”

 

“ _Donna!_ ”

 

“Alright, I’ll save your precious ears. So, you’ve had so many shags you have to think about which ones were with people’s brothers, and Donna Noble’s not good enough?”

 

“But—but you don’t _want_ to shag me!”

 

“No I _really_ don’t. Still. Large chest doesn’t do it for you? Don’t tell me you’re one of those people who don’t do gingers.”

 

“I want to _be_ a ginger!”

 

“Right. So what is it, then? I’m too dumpy for you? Give a woman some flesh on her hips and suddenly she’s not fit? Am I too old for you? You prefer younger women? No women?”

 

“Donna!”

 

“Nah, you had that blondie—and if you try to tell me you weren’t arse over tit for her again I swear—”

 

“Donna, we’re supposed to be talking about why you won’t shag _me_!”

 

“And I said it’s because you’re too skinny.”

 

“And _I_ said you still shagged Casanova!”

 

“Because he’s suave!”

 

“I’m suave!”

 

“Not to me you aren’t.”

 

“So if I decided to turn all of my Time Lordly charm on you you’d hop right into bed with me?”

 

“You better not be getting any ideas!”

 

“No. No! Donna, you are _completely_ misunderstanding.”

 

“Let’s sort it out, then. You don’t want to shag me.”

 

“Right. And you don’t want to shag me unless I’m a Venetian love-machine.”

 

“ _No_ , I shagged the Venetian love-machine despite the fact that he could be your bloody clone.”

 

“So you shagged him on reputation alone.”

 

“ _Yes!_ ”

 

“You don’t want to shag me.”

 

“Not in a million years.”

 

“You shagged him because he’s Casanova.”

 

“For a man who’s supposed to be smarter than the whole of humanity combined you’re sure doing a good impression of being completely thick.”

 

“If Casanova looked like Jack Nicholson you’d still shag him.”

 

“Are we talking Jack Nicholson now or in the eighties? Because when I really think about it—”

 

“Alright, I think I’ve got it all clear now.”

 

“Sure took you long enough.”

 

“Right. Okay. Not feeling as weird about this.”

 

“Oi, _you_  feel weird? Think about me, having the best shag of my life, hearing _your_ voice moaning.”

 

“So it _was_ weird.”

 

“Of course it was weird! You think I want to know what your face looks like when you’re in the midst of ecstasy?”

 

“…”

 

“Because that is definitely something I could have lived without.”

 

“…”

 

“Shag was worth it, though.”

 

“Alright. No more about Casanova the wonder lover.”

 

“Fine. Now that we’ve got that straight, how about you explain why exactly I’m not up to snuff?”

 

“Donna…”

 

“Have it your way, then. See if I ever help get notorious womanisers out of your way again.”

 

“…”

 

“…”

 

“Also, second problem: I now owe Giacomo Casanova a chicken…”

 

“ _Why_ do you owe him a bloody _chicken_?”

 

“Hmm. Well. Places to go, centuries to leave. Allons-y?”

 

“You have ten seconds, Spaceman.”

 

“Oh, no, I think I hear the pool leaking! I really should fix that before all the stuff happens and the things go wrong.”

 

“ _Doctor_!”

 

“Bye!”

 

“…”

 

“…”

 

“Are we just going to sit here in Venice until he thinks I’ve forgotten about the chicken?”

 

“…”

 

“Yeah, laugh it up, you big blue box. Laugh it up.”


End file.
